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A few years back I bought some Concord grapes at the market.   I hadn’t tasted them in years and surprised myself  as the flavorful berry burst in my mouth and I burst into tears.   When I was a kid my father had cultivated Concord grapevines up the side of our garage.  Apparently my memory of him was intrinsically intertwined with the taste that burst forth from inside that grape.  Since he passed away when I was 13 I am left with gauzy recollections…much like peering out from behind the bee nets we would wear to help harvest honey from his beehives.   He was a beekeeper, among other things.  As a physician and small plane pilot, he had served as a flight surgeon in the Army.   He was a wood-worker, a craftsman, and gardener.  He was the father who had nurtured me until I became a teenager, and then was gone.

Me and my dad

As an adult I realize now,  that I missed out on truly getting to know him as a person, as only grown children can know their parents.  My insight into the man he was comes from the clues I collected over the years.  An eccentric for sure, to house 5 stacked beehives in an urban ¼ acre backyard.  I remember him reading constantly, many books and periodicals at the same time, and the thousands of books in our home were a testament to his love of them.  I discovered the mysterious root of my wanderlust when I found his massive collection of adventure travel books.  He was an armchair traveler, and that somehow planted a seed that then took me around the world.

I do remember the feeling of missing the security that having a father allows you.  Some umbrella of protectiveness shut with his loss;  I so envied those who had that.  Truth be told, I still do.  A father’s strong love is unique and irreplaceable.

In time,  I was fortunate to gain an amazing father-in-law.  He is also a renaissance man, a physicist, artist and author.  Most importantly, he is father to my husband, also a renaissance man in his own right, and an incredible father to our own four kids.  I can see how my father-in-laws’ influence and brilliance nurtured my husband and my equally amazing sister-in-law.  With the advent of our own children, these two fathers in my life give us so much to celebrate on Father’s Day.  I am incredibly grateful for the presence and influence of an remarkable father and grandfather in my children’s’ lives.

My oldest daughter is now thirteen, the age I was when my own dad passed away.  My husband and I marvel at that fact.  I try to see my thirteen-year-old self in her, and reach back to find those memories of that age to peer through her lens.  I wonder at  how we are shaped by our parents in childhood as if through osmosis, only become aware of some of those influences, as we become parents ourselves.  As we prepare to celebrate Father’s Day, no matter where your father is , or what your relationship may be, take this day to cherish just having had him in this world and in your life.

These days when I eat Concord grapes I know what to expect ,and I let my beautiful, gauzy memories flood back in.

A different version of this post previously appeared on www.amomknowsbest.com